Most people envision women as feminine and beautiful. But not all women are treated like they are feminine. Not all women know how to be or act in a feminine manner. Back in the day, women were taught proper etiquette. They were sent to finishing schools to polish how they acted and behaved in public. They were kept inside to learn feminine skills rather than being allowed to play outside with the boys. The recent movie “I, Tonya” shows what can happen to a woman when she isn’t perceived in society as ‘feminine’. Tonya Harding, a figure skater, was often judged harshly or poorly by others because she was raised by a rough-around-the-edges mother. The movie depicts how Tonya was criticized harshly based on what judges referred to as her ‘presentation’. Tonya and her husband were so upset at the more feminine Nancy Kerrigan being favored by the judges due to her more pleasant presentation, they injured Kerrigan – Tonya Harding was permanently ejected from the skating world following the court case. The woman who doesn’t take special care to leave her femininity intact can be outcast by her peers. She can lose out on opportunities in school and at work. She can lose out on getting into special clubs and associations. She can lose the ability to marry well or to compete in worldwide or statewide competitions, even if she has the ability and skill to compete. You may have been raised like a tomboy or ‘redneck’ since you were young. Maybe you identified better with your father than you did with your mother. If your mother was ill-attuned to you, it is no doubt that you preferred to be around someone more attuned to you. Maybe you preferred your father because you looked up to him. Maybe you naturally clicked with him, and maybe he treated you especially well (like good fathers do). A father can inadvertently teach a daughter that her brains and her abilities are more important than her looks. This child doesn’t learn femininity, and she can later be judged harshly and outcast by her own peers and potential suitors because she doesn’t learn to use her own femininity to her advantage. A girl can be aggressive in pursuing careers in male-dominated fields only to find herself rejected by suitors because she is too career-oriented, confident and aggressive. She can find that men are intimidated by her because she lost touch with her feminine side, and she can find that men want more feminine women, thus passing her by. Maybe you lacked femininity lessons from the other female role models in your life. Your grandmother, your aunt, your sister and your friend were all tomboys. They were rough around the edges, or they didn’t have time to teach you femininity. Or, maybe you were uninterested in learning femininity when you were young. You were intelligent, and you simply didn’t have time for nonsensical things. You grew into adulthood – low and behold – you found out that femininity is extremely important in this day and age of the feminist. You realize that tomboys, loud women, opinionated women and confident women aren’t well-received even in this day-and-age. Maybe you lost a lot of romantic relationships – partners who couldn’t tolerate your lack of femininity. Now, you want to learn how to be feminine. And you need to learn it quickly.
What is Femininity?
Not everyone knows what femininity. Even worse, the definition of femininity is evasive. It depends upon who you ask. It depends upon their experiences, their lifestyle, their values, their morals, their opinion, and their likes/dislikes as it pertains to members of the opposite sex. The people you are asking this question to might be mentally ill, or their opinion could be tainted and tarnished by a trauma that happened to them early in life. You entrust the definition to everyone else in society (because society sets rules as to what is socially acceptable and sets laws and definitions as such). But how does this translate to ways you can become more feminine in your world? How can you teach femininity to other people, including your own children or young people you are mentoring? How can you pass off as being feminine when you don’t feel like being feminine? How can you be feminine when you aren’t built like dainty little women who dress well and walk a certain way and carry themselves in a classy manner? Is femininity a natural trait? Is it learned? What if you can’t get to finishing school? What if you fail to learn what femininity is before it’s too late? Femininity, by definition and according to Wiki, is “a set of attributes, behaviors, and roles generally associated with girls and women…socially constructed but made up of both socially-defined and biologically-created factors.” If you ask society what they think femininity is, you will get a whole slew of different answers. Everyone has a little different take on what femininity really looks like. Most people go with their gut instinct to define femininity. Some people go with what their parents, popular culture and social media uses to define femininity, whereas others rely on their morals, values and religion to define femininity.
Traits of Femininity According to Men
Men who were polled online describe femininity with the following verbiage:
- -respectful –
- sexy in modest ways (not slutty or trashy)
- -has boundaries and respects herself
- -witty without being sarcastic, opinionated, bitchy or cynical
- -mannerisms that aren’t masculine
- -smiling and pleasant overall demeanor
- -self-confidence without arrogance or haughty behavior
- -kind and generous
- -girly mannerisms (crossing legs, twirling hair, leaning inward, listening intently, batting eyes)
- -being tender-hearted and soft-spoken
- -a feminine woman is ladylike and acts like a lady
- -a feminine woman tries to follow proper etiquette that is appropriate to her time
- -exhibiting personal strength but appreciative of a hero in her life
- -nurturing and maybe even motherly on some level, but not mothering toward her partner
- -able to emotionally connect with others
- -celebrating being a woman and having a female body
Take Care of your Hygiene
A feminine woman takes special care of her hygiene. To be unhygienic can often be attributed to being male and masculine (some guys downright pride themselves on their disgusting behaviors). They can belch and fart in public. They often do this when they are in the company of other men, bragging up their bodily fluids. Women don’t talk about their bodily fluids in public unless they are in good company. It is better to err on the side of bee-lining to the ladies’ room if you have any gases or fluids escaping from your body. Besides, time in the ladies’ room will give you time to check your wardrobe and your makeup. Feminine ladies make sure their hair is washed daily, or they reduce damage to their hair by using dry shampoo on the days they don’t have time to wash their hair (to absorb oil that makes your hair look dull and disgusting). Don’t look like a homeless person by being caught all over town with unkempt and unwashed hair. Brush your teeth and floss daily. Being seen with things stuck in your teeth is definitely not girly or feminine. Neither is plague coating your teeth. Girls take care of their teeth so that they are pretty and pearly white – there are whiteners if you like to drink your coffee often enough that it turns your teeth brown. Girls with missing teeth aren’t considered feminine by some, so getting to the dentist is imperative. Women are often expected to have nice smiles. Being afraid to show your smile due to some dirty teeth or dental flaw will put a damper on the feminine image you are trying to pull off. Women are expected to smell nice. Women shouldn’t smell sweaty because they didn’t bother with deodorant, and they should use hair products that smell nice. Biosilk is often a nice product for shiny hair that smells nice in the absence of any other hair products. If you don’t like chemicals in your hair, you can opt for coconut oil, grapeseed oil, and dollops of other natural ingredients to protect and nourish your hair.
Be Flirty (but not slutty and promiscuous)
There is a fine line between being flirty and being slutty. You can enjoy the company of other people by giggling, laughing, leaning in, twirling your hair, listening intently, and acting excited when another person has a conversation with you. You shouldn’t be so flirty that the other person gets the wrong ideas in their head, and you shouldn’t cross another person’s personal boundaries. You shouldn’t make other women feel threatened when you are left alone around their husbands.
You can flirt subtly like an extroverted person without making anyone feel uncomfortable with your behavior. Innocent flirting doesn’t elicit anger and jealousy in others. If you are flirting in a way that crosses another person’s boundaries, you risk being downright physically or emotionally harmed. Don’t put yourself in harm’s way. Watch other people being flirty so that you get this one right. Very subtle. Usually, a natural curiosity in what other people are talking about or doing with their lives will make you look subtly flirty and feminine without even trying too hard. A girl who flirts with (and then sleeps with) too many men can ruin her own reputation. In this day and age, social media means that everyone across the globe can find out a person’s behavior without the person ever knowing it.
Love Dressing Up
In the day and age of the internet, girls who hate shopping have more options than they ever had before. There are companies online that send you a box or two of clothing a month to try on. The clothing is stylish, and the outfits are even matched with neat accessories. Feminine women like to wear clothes that accentuate their curves without showing too much cleavage. They use a wardrobe that flatters their girlish figure without being too tight or too outdated. Ripped and worn clothing is a turnoff to more people than you realize. With brand new shirts costing less than $5 at many places, other people will look at you like you’re homeless and like you don’t care enough about yourself to change your clothes. You don’t have to be a materialistic person to enjoy wearing cute clothes. You also don’t have to be skinny to enjoy cute clothes. Places like Chicos specialize in ‘big girl’ clothing, as does Maurices. If you cannot find a department store in your area that carries cute plus sizes, look online. A lot of rural areas have a very limited selection. If you cannot afford new prices, check apps like Offer Up and Facebook Marketplace. You can often find some shopaholic who is unloading her closet for under $100 just because she wants an excuse to go shopping for more new clothes. Some people find great brand name buys at thrift stores, or they find last season’s deals at T.J. Maxx or Ross or Burlington. These stores also make knock-off alternatives if you like the brand name looks without the brand name price tags. If you don’t have girlfriends to go shopping with, most department stores have a shopaholic sales clerk that would love to tell you how things look on you. He or she will let you go in and out of the dressing room all day trying on new clothing because extroverts would rather hang out and talk to the shoppers than sit in an empty store all day staring at the walls – trust me. You might even get a few compliments from the store clerk when you find something cute, which will bolster your self-esteem and confidence!
Don’t (completely) Avoid Makeup
can be tastefully done. There are many videos on Youtube that show you how to put makeup on in a subtle fashion. You can accentuate the positives on your face and draw attention away from the negatives. You can add a tiny dash of color to bring out your best features. You can cover up any wrinkles and flaws that you have using a hint of makeup. Not all makeup has nasty chemicals in it these days. A person can find much more natural alternatives, like mineral makeup. Some old-fashioned people will tell you that makeup looks ‘slutty’. Makeup from their era might have indeed looked ‘slutty’, but much of the makeup that is out now can look subtle, feminine and beautiful without much effort. The best way to find out what looks subtly feminine and beautiful on you (accentuating all your current feminine features, of course), you can go to a spa or salon that sells makeup. The girls can give you a free makeover while they are showing you the products they have for sale. The right makeup can make you literally look 20 years younger (just ask 50+ Jennifer Aniston)!
Don’t be Afraid to be Sensitive and Vulnerable
Most men will tell you that clinginess is not attractive (and they do not consider it feminine). A woman should show her vulnerabilities when the timing is right, however. A woman shouldn’t behave as though she is a lumberjack and no man could possibly help to make her feel safe or secure. Men want to help a feminine woman wherever they can so that they can feel appreciated by her. A man wants to earn her love, respect, admiration and appreciation. He wants to earn this in a somewhat easy and straightforward manner. If she does everything for herself, she can make him feel frustrated and useless. She can make him feel like a child, or she can make him feel nagged and belittled if she doesn’t approach her femininity and his maleness appropriately. A lot of women will struggle to understand why their man left them for someone less competent – it is because the more competent woman who doesn’t show vulnerability or behave in a girly manner can make her man pursue a more girly and vulnerable woman to replace her. She has given him the impression that she can take care of herself (lest why should he stick around to take care of her). Some men thoroughly the damsel-in-distress act (if it isn’t overly done). Some men enjoy feeling useful and doing things to satisfy their partner. If she does everything for herself, and she doesn’t include him – he can feel ignored, tossed aside, helpless and useless. Being overly dependent upon him can backfire, however. He needs time to breathe and enjoy personal space, too. Men do not like being suffocated, lest you remind them of their over-controlling mother who always rode their back. A man whose mother was more masculine than feminine might still find a masculine girl somewhat attractive, but only if she doesn’t turn into his mother (being controlling, preachy, aggressive, or abrasive). Germans tend to be attracted to women that might not particularly fall under the feminine category, but they might still appreciate their tomboyish wife picking up something lacey to wear occasionally.
Compassionate and Warm
Most guys consider a feminine woman one who is compassionate, nurturing, generous and warm. A woman with a foul mood and a foul or loud mouth is often a turnoff for most men.
Some guys like sassy or sarcastic women, as long as its done in a tasteful or commiserating manner. Most men don’t view an argumentative and combative nature as being feminine. A man often doesn’t know what to do with a woman who is constantly picking fights or nitpicking or busting his balls. Most men will become triggered and violent if their girl displays any of these characteristics. If you behave like his barbaric friends behave, he might just use too much force with you like he would with the boys. Men who challenge one another often don’t back down; the challenge leads to a physical altercation. Men don’t carry grudges as much as women do, however. A man who is challenged by you just might punch you in the arm and expect you not to cry afterward because you were acting like a man instead of a woman. Once he does that, he will also expect you to not hold a grudge or call the cops on him (and he will think you were deserving of the behavior because you were acting aggressive or masculine toward him). Don’t get in a man’s face if you want to be treated like a lady. Don’t challenge his authority or his position. Try to respect him without being argumentative. If he is quick to anger, give him time to cool off and collect himself before you try to talk to him. It takes 4 hours for a man to calm his anger once it is triggered. A rational man (one who doesn’t have mental illness complicating matters) will come back to talk about things in a rational manner once he has cooled down. He might also side with you once he thinks things over by himself. Brooding men have to process things by themselves much of the time (extroverted men have to bounce their thoughts off someone else). Boys are encouraged not to cry or talk about their feelings; they are told to ‘suck it up’ and ‘shake it off’.
Does Size Matter?
Some guys will tell you that they don’t like an overweight woman, or that they don’t consider large or big-boned women sexy or feminine. This is simply not true to all men. My brother, for example, literally prefers big girls. He finds them sexy as hell! German men tend to be attracted to women who aren’t at all petite. In some cultures, and heritages, they consider large hips to be excellent for childbearing. Some men are quite attracted to hearty women, especially if their mother was a larger woman overall. Men who are attracted to larger woman can have fetishes that draw them to larger women. They might be attracted to larger breasts or wide hips. They might find skinny girls bony and uninteresting. Many men love curves, as long as they are tastefully accentuated with lovely clothing.
Women have more options now than ever before with nice plus sized fashions – gone are the days when a bigger girl can’t find anything ‘cute’ to wear. Gone are the days when bigger girl clothing looks like a tent, drowning her body just to cover it up. Don’t think that you can’t be feminine or sexy because you are a certain size or weight. All women can find their feminine side even if they weigh a lot or if they are tall and big-boned.
If you are looking tired and worn-out these days, there are many beauty hacks that are out there which will help you to smooth fine lines and make your skin and hair vibrant again. Homemade chemical peels can revive your tired skin and remove some fine lines. Drinking a lot of hydrating liquids can help to get rid of bags under your eyes and crow’s feet. Hydration makes your skin glow and look healthy. Eating fast food daily can make your hair overly greasy, so make sure to avoid unhealthy foods or your looks will pay for eating them. I’ve literally had other people comment on the greasiness of my hair on weeks that I was eating too much fast food – you noticing this issue is one thing, other people noticing means you need to address a problem!
The way you carry yourself is extremely important to your femininity. If you have a bad attitude and a disagreeable temperament, your personality will turn off other people. There are ways to speak your mind and be opinionated without making yourself look like an ill-mannered masculine person. Being condescending and talking down to other people aren’t seen as feminine activities overall. If you choose to be mouthy, bossy, critical, judgmental, argumentative and rude – you only serve to turn other people off with your behavior. Some men might enjoy a spunky and argumentative woman – as long as you aren’t directing your spunk at him or his inner circle. A man who has a rude and loud-mouthed mother might be more tolerant of your loud or aggressive behavior than one whose mother is soft-spoken and feminine. Just because he is more tolerant of your aggressive behavior doesn’t mean he wants to listen to you constantly complain or have a foul-mouth; it just means he is less bothered by it because he has been around it all his life. He would probably prefer you be a little less bossy and aggressive than his mother is, especially toward him and his mother, even if you do prefer to be spunky and aggressive in your personality overall.
Many people don’t view aggression or hostility in a positive light, however. To many people, aggression and a disagreeable temperament shows a lack of self-control and overall tact. If you cannot get your point across by communicating maturely and effectively, you might need to read books to brush up on your approach and your communication skills. There are a lot of people who are boastful, crass, rude, sarcastic and downright abusive these days. There are so many narcissistic and ill-mannered people in the world, in fact, that you will attract a lot more attention by being the opposite of this. Walk into a place with your head held high and have a sunny disposition, and you will see that other people will react to you in a very different way. Feigning a smile even when you don’t feel like smiling will make other people react a lot better to you – the world is full of extroverts who respond well to smiles because they like friendly people better than they like introverted or avoidant people. Most people consider avoidant types as sneaky and sly, and they wonder what they might do to pull the wool over their eyes. In reality, extroverted types can be passive aggressive, sneaky and sly, too. If you value someone being genuine over someone being friendly, you will just want to be ‘yourself’. Some extroverts will jump through hoops daily to fit in, thus they will be largely confused or rejecting of your attempts at being yourself. In your pursuit for femininity, you might have to be a better version of yourself – it doesn’t hurt any of us to portray ourselves in a better light to get things we want or need out of life. Sometimes, it is a necessity. You might feel that it is dishonest, but most people are visually stimulated before any of their other senses are stimulated. If you give a wrong first impression by being crass and poorly dressed, you can be passed up for apartments, jobs, funding, dates, favors, opportunities and more. No one wants to lose opportunities to their more feminine coworker.
Sharing Your Opinion Without Looking Opinionated
Many women want the world to listen to what they think and feel about things. Society doesn’t look favorably upon women who share their opinions as well as they look upon opinionated men. People will consider what a man says more easily than they will consider what a woman thinks and feels in many cases. Rather than feeling ignored, you can learn to share your thoughts, emotions and opinions in a tasteful way without getting rejected by or offending other people around you. Speaking truthfully on a regular basis and grounding things in provable fact will build your credibility with those around you over time. Eventually, you will build enough trust that others will listen to what you have to say. Before you do this, however, you can expect other people to pass up what you are saying because they might compare you to other women in their life that they couldn’t or didn’t trust. It is not fair to have to deal with this when you are communicating with other people, but this is how the world is at the moment. Once you build your credibility, people will start to trust what you are saying has some meaning to it. Don’t exaggerate. Don’t use the words ‘always’ and ‘never’. Men know that things are not black and white – many areas are gray. If you use the wrong verbiage with a man, he will discount what you are saying simply because you used words that triggered him to feel that you weren’t speaking factually or being accurate. If you use the wrong verbiage when you are speaking with a man, and you make him doubt your credibility by a few poorly placed words, you can expect him to seek out the truth from another man instead of listening to what you have to say. If other people aren’t listening to what you are saying, you might want to stop talking or leave until they are ready to listen. Increasing your volume only makes other people not want to listen to you. It makes you look like a bully, and other people will simply get into a shouting match with you while they are trying to match your pitch. If you take notice, you will see that some extroverted groups only have shouting matches in competition with one another – not one person in the group actually listens to what any of the other people are saying. If this is what is going on, exit stage left. You can attend these types of conversations to boost your overall acceptance into the group, but don’t plan on trying to change everyone else’s mind with your thoughts or opinions.
Don’t waste your mental energy or your voice yelling over everyone, it isn’t constructive. Don’t forget to ask questions to other people and show them that you are listening to them to build rapport. No one will listen to you or respect you if you don’t build rapport with them. This is crucial in showing other people that you are a person worthy of considering for opportunities. It is very feminine and sexy to listen and ask intelligent questions to show that you are paying attention to others. They will become vested in your success if you show them you are sincere in your actions and words. Pay attention to your overall body language when you are talking to other people. Have a soft and open stance. Don’t cross your arms or block the other person in any physical way. Make comfortable and casual eye contact with the other person without using a piercing and intrusive gaze toward them that makes them squirm in their seat and feel like you’re a predator. Always rephrase what other people said to make them convinced that you have their best interests in mind. Smile a lot in a genuine way. Practice smiling in the mirror at home so that you can look relaxed and comfortable and friendly. If you look standoffish, other people will automatically think you are shady and have something to hide. Shadiness and social avoidance are not feminine or sexy qualities, especially not to extroverts. Refrain from arguing unless you feel that you can sell the other person on your points. Being argumentative is not feminine or sexy. Arguing only makes other people defensive and reactive. Even worse, you might frustrate them to the point of becoming violent. You don’t know what struggles or mental health issues another person is dealing with. Triggering others isn’t the way to make yourself look feminine and acceptable in the eyes of other people. Being argumentative only makes you look like you have a disagreeable temperament and a mental health disorder. You will immediately turn people off the minute you look like you are going against the grain of others in a social environment. Others will assume that you are intentionally rocking the boat. If you intend to do so, do this with skill and with a direct purpose. If you don’t have any direct purpose or intention for rocking the boat, don’t rock the boat just to shake things up. You will not be seen favorably in the eyes of others, and it will just make other people gab about you behind your back in an unfavorable way. Most people who gossip embellish and exaggerate the topic they are talking about to others, so expect that your reputation will be damaged by the lies of others in some way if you choose to go against the status quo. This is the way that society operates, and to deny this fact shows naivety and immaturity that will inevitably bite you later when you are dealing with people. Bullies always have a pile of other bullies to throw at their competition (even if you don’t think they have any friends). They will always recruit other bullies for a shared goal even if they don’t like them – don’t poke these people if you don’t have an army yourself to support your position.